Obama Funny Jokes 112908

1. Question: What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes?
Answer: His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

2. Question: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
Answer: Deductible.

3. Question: What's the difference between Pinocchio and Barack Obama?
Answer: Obama's nose doesn't grow when he lies.

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Obama Funny Jokes 112808

1. Question: What made Barack help a Chicago slumlord to victimize the poor?
Answer: The check.

2. Question: Why did Barack Obama register to run for office as a Democrat?
Answer: The Communist Party doesn’t have enough voters.

3. Question: Why does Barack want higher taxes?
Answer: Cause he won’t be the one paying them.

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Obama Funny Jokes 112708

1. Question: Why is Barack Obama jealous of Hillary Clinton?
Answer: She the one with the cojones.

2. Question: Why won’t Barack Obama’s presidential jet be flight worthy?
Answer: It will only have a left wing.

3. Question: What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama?
Answer: Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears; Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.

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Obama Funny Jokes 111408

1. Question: Why is Barack Obama so thin and scrawny?
Answer: If he were any heavier he wouldn’t be able to walk on water.

2. Question: Why will Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama?
Answer: Because Carter doesn’t want to be the worst President in history.

3. "Barack Obama's two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he's going to get them a dog. That's the thing, they're all excited, he's going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news -- Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that's terrific." - Jay Leno

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Obama Funny Jokes 111308

1. Question: Why wouldn’t Barack salute the American flag?
Answer: It was ours.

2. Question: Why will Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama?
Answer: Because he’s running out of George Bush jokes.

3. Question: Why will Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama?
Answer: Because she’s running out of other crazy things to do.

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Obama Funny Jokes 111208

1. Question: What do Obama and Osama have in common?
Answer: They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

2. Question: Why won’t Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?
Answer: It shows that he didn’t have a virgin birth.

3. Question: Why did Obama change his name from Barry to Barack?
Answer: He thought Barry sounded too American.

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Obama Funny Jokes 111108

1. "Barack Obama, apparently, is so popular in the African town where his father was born that they've named a beer after him there. Isn't that cool? Yeah. The Obama beer is called a 'Black and Tan and Asian and Caucasian.' A complicated drink." --Conan O'Brien

2. "What a historic night. The first time an actual black person is leading the charge for a major American political party. I think that says something pretty great about America: we will accept a black man to lead us if the only other choice is a woman." –Bill Maher

3. "Italy is designing clothing based on how Barack Obama dresses. And I said, well, yes, that will connect him with the angry working-class voters." –David Letterman

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Obama Funny Jokes 110908

1. Question: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?
Answer: He accidently smoked it.

2. Question: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?
Answer: Hillary Clinton won't give it back to him.

3. Question: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?
Answer: He wants to surprise us at his swearing in.

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Obama Funny Jokes 110808

1. Question: What's the difference between Obama bin Biden and Osama bin Laden?
Answer: With Obama bin Biden you get two for the price of one.

2. Question: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?
Answer: He's deciding which of his names (Barack Barry Hussein Obama Soetoro) to put on it.

3. Question: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?
Answer: The ink isn't dry yet.

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Blonde Jokes 101708

1. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool.
The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out.
The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde".
The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

2. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her mouth!

3. What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

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Funny Text Messages 101508

1. What is deference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

2. John: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
John: good, because i didn't do my homework.

3. I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.

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Redneck Jokes 101308

1. You might just be a redneck if your porch collapses and kills more than 5
dogs.

2. Why is Alabama the smartest state in the U.S.?
It has four "A"'s and a "B".

3. You know you are a redneck when the only pool u have is a sees pool.

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Dumb Blonde Jokes 100808

1. A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.
The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"
She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

2. A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

3. Several weeks ago, we hired a new blonde secretary who wasn't the
brightest crayon in the box. One day when she was typing, she turned
to another secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What
do I do?"

"Just use the copier machine paper," the other responded. With that,
the blonde took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier, and proceeded to make five blank copies.

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Funny Text Messages 100608

1. Patient: Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?
Patient: What problem?

2. Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

3. How many politicians does it take to change a light-bulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

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Funny Text Messages 100208

1. My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversize luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

2. A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.

"What happened" asked the doctor.

"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man.

"She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."

The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"

"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."

3. Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said
solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”

“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.”

“I don't mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you prepared
spiritually?”

“Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

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Dumb Blonde Jokes 092408

1. Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.
Brunette: I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes.
Redhead: Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks.
Blonde: I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!

2. Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, 'Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?'
The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.'
The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?

3. Down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22 feet Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't plane at high speed at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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Dumb Blonde Jokes 09

1. On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

2. Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

3. Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

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Sexy Jokes 091508

1. A man and his wife are driving down the highway having a fight over the husband sleeping with another lady.
The wife takes out a sharp knife and cuts of her husband penis and throws it out the window.
The penis splats onto the windshield of the car that is following and rolls off.
The 14 year old girl riding with her dad says "What was that Dad?" The father says "It was just a bug honey".
The daughter replies "Wow Dad, that bug sure had a big d*ck".

2. Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

First drunk: "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

Second drunk: "So... What's your point?"

First drunk: "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

3. A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.

The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?"

"No," replied, the policeman, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

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Funny Text Messages 090608

1. Question: What did the penis say to the condom?
Answer: Cover me im going in!

2. Question: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
Answer: Because their plugged into a genius!

3. Question: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Answer: Mega-saur-ass

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Couple Jokes 090208

1. One day, Jude and Rose were having a petty argument.
After shouting back and forth, Rose finally says, "Let's make a deal. To end this argument, you admit that I am right and I will admit that I am wrong."
Jude thought for a moment, agreed, and asked her to go first.
Rose replied, "I'm sorry Jude, I am wrong."
In response, Jude shouts happily, "You're right!"

2. A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"
Old buddy: Yep!
Senior: Do I know her?"
Old buddy: Nope!
Senior: This woman, is she good looking?
Old buddy: Not really.
Senior: Is she a good cook?
Old buddy: Naw, she can't cook too well.
Senior: Does she have lots of money?
Old buddy: Nope! Poor as a church mouse.
Senior: Well then, is she good in bed?
Old buddy: I don't know.
Senior: Why in the world do you want to marry her then?
Old buddy: Because she can still drive at night!

3. Fred and Tina were thrilled when their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had an adorable German baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped at the local college so they could enroll in night classes. After they completed filling out the form, the registrar inquired, "What possessed you to study German?"
"We've just adopted a wonderful German baby boy and in a year or so, he'll begin to talk. We want to make sure we're able to understand him!" the couple proudly explained.

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