Naughty Jokes 090108

1. A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
Guy: Get over it, buddy,It's not the end of the world.
Buddy: It's all right for you to say, but what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
Ponders for a moment, Guy: I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.

2. Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doing'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

3. A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast, the guy: Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me. She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

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Naughty Joke 081208

Kissing is a pleasure
F**king is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
He says he loves you, and you believe it is true
Until your belly starts to swell and he says hell with you.
10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months of pain
3 days in hospital, a child without a name
The baby is a b*stard
The mother is a wh*re
This never would have happened if the rubber had not tore.

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Text Messaging Abbreviations 080708

1. I12 spnd D nyt w/u - I want to spend the night with you.

2. luvA....I wntU NcyD me agn...soon! - Love you, I want you inside me again... soon.

3. i wsh U wr a door thN i cUd bang yall dy lng - I wish you were a door then, I could bang you all day long.

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Sexy Text Messages 080608

1. You are the fire burning inside of me; you are my passion for life.

2. I want to evoke such a passion within you that leaves us both breathless.

3. Can you come over here and give me a good rub down?

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dirty text messages 080408

1. When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.
When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.
But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.

2. An 80-year-old millionaire man engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old sexy model.
He see his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the wedding date.
The doctor looks him over and says, "Bill, you are completely healthy but I must tell you just one thing."
"What's that doc?", asks the millionaire.
"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care, it could be really deadly" the doctor said.
Bill thinks for a couple of minute and then says, "What the hell, if she dies, she dies."

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Naughty text messages 073108

1. Today it's cool to have small cars and small computers. Soon it will be cool to have
a small penis too. Then you, my friend - will be THE MAN!

2. Baby i have an addiction problem.
People say i shud go to rehab but i always tell
them i don't want to go cause im addicted to...
YOU

3. Of all the babes you're my selection.
Please don't give me a rejection.
My teeth are clean for your inspection so give my mouth a tongue injection!

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Sexy Text Messages a432-a434

a432: A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
- Eddie.


a433: A teacher asks a pupil which part of the body goes to heaven first, the pupil replies "legs miss! i’ve seen my mum with her legs in the air sreaming GOD IM F*CKING C*MING!!!"
- nicey.

a434: What are the three wonders of women? They produce milk without grazing, bleed for seven days, a mounth without dying, and bury a bone deeper than a dog without getting thier nose dirty.
- nicey.

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Sexy Text Messages a414-a416

a414: We have had some fun times together. Remember when we were drivin and i stuck my ass out of the window and you stuck your head out and people thought we were twins?
- louise.

a415: You are in a car at a constant speed. on your left is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you while in front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it and behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also doing the same speed as you. How do you get out of this dangerous situation?
ANSWER: Get off the kids merry go round you piss-head.
- louise.

a416: If you helped Jack on the horse, would you help Jack off the horse?

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Sexy Text Messages a393-a395

a393: A Lebanese guy named Elias walks into a pharmacy and asks for a box of tissue papers. The pharmacist comes out and gives him a huge box of tissue papers. Elias says I do not want this huge box I only want a small one. The pharmacist says that is all right it is for the same price take it as it is subsidized by Hariri, a former Lebanese prime minister assassinated in 2005. So Elias takes it and walks away. The second day Elias returns to the pharmacy and asks for a tube of tooth paste. The pharmacist comes out and gives him an enormous tube of tooth paste. Elias says I do not want this enormous tube I only want a small one. The pharmacist says that is alright it is for the same price take it as it is subsidized by Hariri. So Elias takes it and walks away. The third day Elias returns to the pharmacy and stands outside, the pharmacist notices him, he comes out and says why don’t you come in, Elias says I am afraid, the pharmacist says, come in, there is no problem, how can I help you. Elias says I am afraid and ashamed today I need a condom.
- Gino.

a394: Jimmy goes to see his computer genius friend Charlie, in his office. The first thing he notices is a really sexy looking secretary who leads him into Charlie’s room. Charlie is busy working on his computer.

"Hey Charlie, how ya doing my man?" He says, "When did you hire your new secretary? She is hot."

"Oh I did not hire her, I actually developed her." replies Charlie, still working on his computer, "She is a robot."

"Are you serious?" says Jimmy with a whistle, "She moves and talks just like a real girl."

"Yeah, and that is not all. She makes coffee, does my filing and I can fuck her all I want." replies Charlie with a smile, "In fact, you can take her to the next room and give her a fuck yourself. She is really good."

"Yowza!" Laughs Jimmy and taking the secretary hand, he drags her into the next room, intent on fucking the daylights out of her. Soon afterwards, there is a loud scream from Jimmy.

"Oh Hell," Says Charlie, "I forgot to tell him her asshole is a pencil sharpener."
- Rabiul.

a395: Two doctors meet at a bar during a major medical conference, one male and one female. They both talk and one thing leads to another and both doctors were in a hotel room. Before undressing the female doctor washed her hands, after sex with the male doctor she washed her hands again. The Male doctor says "Let me guess, you are a surgeon." The female doctors asks "How would you know?" The guy goes "You keep washing your hands." The female doctor replies, "You must be an anesthesiologist." The guy doc asks "How would you know?" The lady replies, "Because I did not feel a thing."
- Ann.

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Sexy Text Messages a387-a389

a387: A guy gets onto an elevator and begins to ride down to the lobby of his building. Half way down the elevator stops and a beautiful woman gets on. After a few seconds the man leans over and asks the lady, "Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?" "No!", rages the woman. "Oh" replies the man, "It must be your feet."
- kirk.

a388: Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell’s gate, he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be given the choice of who he will REPLACE forever in Hell.

Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind the door is Jeffrey Dahmer. He’s being worked over with a blow torch. Upon seeing Jeff in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says "That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me."

The second door opens. Behind door #2 is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton again says "I don’t think this is for me."

The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."
- Darxtar.

a389: A couple was having money problems... they were sitting down at the table eating supper, when the wife said... "I know... you could stop buying 3 24’s of beer every week"... the husband says... "no no I can’t do that, but what about you.... you spend like one hundred dollars on makeup a month you could give that up".... she says, "but dear... that’s to make me look pretty". The husband looks at her and says, "what the fuck do you think the beer is for".
- chikie.

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Sexy Text Messages a378-a380

a378: You know those types of girls that are ugly-gnarly but the only thing that they have going for them are a set of huge bosom? There it is.

God was feeling a bit worn out, after all creating the entire universe and earth is a big task so he decided he would turn over the task of creating a new batch of humans to an apprentice. The apprentice was not that bright so God left simple instructions, just make them look like Adam and Eve. So the apprentice went off to work and started creating sculptures to be made real. God came back later and got ticked. What the deuce is this?! I told you to make humans! these are hairer than that monkey you made for me last week! the only thing he’s good for is a loofah! Okay, this is the last time I’m fixing your mistakes! And with that, God zapped the sculpture, causing 2 large mountains to protrude from the chest. And God then said, ’Good, let there be titties.’
- The Rock.

a379: What’s the definition of agony?

Sliding down a 20 foot razor blade, using your balls as brakes.
- Eml.

a380: Donald Duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms.

"Certainly, sir," said the lady behind the counter. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"No way!" replied Donald Duck. "What do you think I am, a d*ckhead?"
- misskim.

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Sexy Text Messages a369-a371

a369: Why do not you add me, minus your friends, divide your legs and multiply.
- Cameron Parker.

a370: What is worse than a cardboard box? Paper tits.
- ted.

a371: What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s *sshole have in common?
You know it is wrong, but eventually you put your tongue on it.
- Ice Dragon.

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Sexy Text Messages a361-a363

a361: A guy gets onto an elevator and begins to ride down to the lobby of his building. Half way down the elevator stops and a beautiful woman gets on. After a few seconds the man leans over and asks the lady, "Excuse me, but can I smell your p*ssy?" "No!", rages the woman. "Oh" replies the man, "It must be your feet."
- kirk.

a362: why do not women fart?
they don't keep their mouth shut long enough to build up enough pressure!
- Baker.

a363: An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
"Do not worry about that," says St. Peter, "it is only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening"?
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
"I ca not do this," says the old lady, "I’m off down to hell."
"You ca not go there," says St. Peter, "you will be raped and sodomized."
"Yes, but I have already got the holes for that."
- Bubba.

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Sexy Text Messages a352

a352: A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
- Unknown.

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Sexy Text Messages a346-a348

a346: If you helped Jack on the horse, would you help Jack off the horse?
- Lolabell.

a347: You are in a car at a constant speed. on your left is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you, in front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also doing the same speed as you. How do you get out of this dangerous situation?
ANSWER: Get the f*ck off the kids merry go round you piss-head.
- Derek.

a348: Can you believe after all that shit who finally got back together? Who? My ass cheeks.
- Scott.

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Sexy Text Messages a328-a330

a328: Jack’s only child, Susan,was a virgin at 27 years old. She stayed in her room day after day using her adult toys for years. She simply would not try to find a boyfriend. Jack confronted her one day "Are you ever gonna make me a grandfather"."It might be nice to have a son-in-law too". "Maybe one day" she replied. Another year passed and one day Susan came home and her dad was sitting in the recliner with her toys in one hand and a beer in the other. "Dad what are you doing" she asked. Jack replied "Oh just having a beer with my son-in-law".
- Ace.

a329: A old lady kept itching her crotch. It was itching so bad she went to the doctor.The doctor told her to sit down and spread her legs. So she did. He took a quick look and said just what I thought it’s crabs. The lady looked at him in shock and said how can that be I have never had s*x before. The doctor told her what to do. So the lady went home and did it. She came back the next day and said it still itches. So the doctor said he would take a look. So she sat down as the doctor was looking he said he discovered what was making her itch. Old Lady looked at him and said so what is it Doctor replied "your cherry’s rotten you just have fruit flies".
- Stephanie.

a330: There were 3 guys went to the fair. The man on stage ask them to think of the fastest thing they ever saw. The first guy said blinking I do it all day and never notice. The second said electricity I have a light in the barn I hit the switch it comes on. The third guy thinks? I know diarrhea this morning before i could blink and eye or flip on the light I done shit all over myself.
- Tracy.

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Sexy Text Messages a322-a324

a322: Skirts...
Used to free air conditioning and easy access.
Best results in cars.
- KK.

a323: What did the leper (person with leprosy) say to the hooker?...
Keep the tip.
- Alex C.

a324: What’s the difference between love and herpes? Herpes last forever.
- Stephanie.

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Sexy Text Messages a313-a315

a313: On wedding night, newly weds had horny sex for whole night. Next morning;
Husband asked :How was it honey, did u like it?
Wife burst in anger : You put your d*ck in my Nose’ Hole.......
Husband : Why didn’t you told me?
Wife : because nuts was in my mouth.
- Vishal Sharma.

a314: A nurse was preparing the body of a handsome young man for his autopsy when she noticed he had died with a huge erection. She did the best she could to work around it but found herself becoming aroused by his huge erect cock.

After much thought she slid off her underwear and mounted the corpse and rode his erected penis. She was getting really hot and into it and began moaning loudly. This caught the attention of the head nurse. She walked into the room and to her horror found her subordinate having sex with the corpse.

"What the hell are you doing?" she exclaimed

The nurse jumped off the body quickly and stammered.

"I was taking advantage of the situation. You should try it yourself."

The head nurse flustered blurted out.

"I couldn't do that, it’s immoral."

"Come on try it."

"Really I couldn't. Besides, I’m having my period."

"I wont tell if you wont."

After a moment she smiles and mounts the man’s hard member and starts riding. As she reaches climax the man’s eyes pop open and he gasps for breath. The head nurse jumps off scared out of her mind.

"I... I thought you were dead." She proclaims.

The man smiles and replies, I was but i needed a blood transfusion... Thanks."
- Darcsyde.

a315: One day there was a poor little girl. Her mother didn’t have any money to buy her underwear. One day the little girl was wearing a little dress and playing up in a tree. A priest walked by and looked up, concerned he called the little girl down and said: "Little girl take this $100 and go buy you some new underwear and a pretty dress."
The little girl ran home and told her mother what happened.
Seizing the opportunity, the next day the mother was up in the tree without any underwear.
The priest walked by and called her down and said:
"Here’s $2 go and buy yourself some razors!"
- id10T.

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Sexy Text Messages a295-a297

a295: Hear about the nigger who thought he was bleeding to death???
turns out he had diarrhea!!!
- Tom.

a296: Who is a Dickhead’s favorite actress? Courtney Cocks.
- Joe.

a297: What do you say when you see Micheal Jackson at the beach?
Get out of my son!!!
- Candice.

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Sexy Text Messages a283-a284

a283: What’s the difference between a red necks c*nt and a football?
If you try really really hard you could probably eat a football.
- Roota.

a2854 Once there was a China man and a black man.
They were standing in front of the lake.
The China man skipped a stone across the lake, and the rock made sound... "Ching, Chang, Chong ". The black man was amazed at what he heard.
The China man said,"This is how a remember my ancestry. ie the dynasty of Ching, the dynasty of Chang, and the dynasty of Chong".
The black man wondered what sound he get when skipping a rock to the lake...
So he did, and the sound was "Chimp, Pans, Zee".
- BOSS.

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