Sexy Text Messages a268-a270

a268: Guy walks into a wh*re house and says "I am a virgin and I need to have sex like NOW" The manager says "Well we have a policy that everyone has to have some practice before we send you in... there is a tree outside with a notch hole in it go bang on that for an hour or two come back in and we’ll set you up" So the guy runs out bangs on the tree for a little while. He goes back in and says "K I am ready!"
The lady nods and and points him where he needs to go. He goes in the room and a chick was waiting naked for him. A couple of minutes go by and the manager hears this awful bloody scream, so She runs in the room and says "WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?" The guy has a broom handle shoved up the chicks ass and He replies "... Checkin for bees!"
- Tiffany.

a269: Two guys hear about this whore house in Texas. It’s the best wh*re house in the world they hear, so they take a week off of work, and road trip down there. When they get there, one of them realizes that he forgot his wallet. He asks his buddy for some cash and he says
"sorry bro, I’m gettin all the p*ssy I can get for my money."
So he searches all over his car, and finally finds 65 cents. He goes to the owner of the wh*re house and explains his situation. The owner says
"I tell you what, there is this old lady on the top floor who has been begging me to get back into it, you can have her all night long for 65 cents." The guys figures f*ck it, old p*ssy is better than no p*ssy at all, so he gives the owner his 65 cents and goes to the top floor. He starts to f*ck this lady and about half way through he says
"You know this is alright, but its kinda dry"
"Oh I know just how to fix that" the old women says as she goes into the bathroom. She comes out a few minutes later, and they start to f*ck again. The guy says "Oh my god this is amazing! What did you do?"
"Oh I just peeled off the old scabs."
- Ryan.

a270: A man who hadn’t had a date in years, suddenly found himself in luck. This sexy, voluptuous brunette had agreed to go to the movies with him Friday night. But he was in a panic because his d*ck was only 3 inches long when erect, and if he ever scored with this beautiful woman, she would probably laugh at him and walk out the door. So... he went to his doctor and pleaded with him to give him something. The doc said take one of these pills every two hours and everything will be fine. Just before he was going to leave the house to pick up his date, he decided to take all ten pills at once because he was so desperate. Within minutes, he felt his penis go down his pants leg and onto the floor! What was he going to do?! A quick thinker, he tied his penis as a necktie and put on a sportcoat. While in the dark theater, his hot date cuddled up next to him and started stroking his tie. While she was doing this she kept saying over and over, "I love your tie! I love your tie!" It wasn’t long before a man ’s voice came over the speaker system shouting, "Will the couple in the front row quit throwing ice cream on the screen?!?!"
- Mark W.