Monday, June 30, 2008

Joke Of The Day

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Mom saw the opportunity for a moral lesson and said; "If Jesus was sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait. "Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you can have the first chance at being Jesus!"

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Sunday, June 29, 2008

Joke Of The Day 06/30/08

. Sunday, June 29, 2008 .

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A back scratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.

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Saturday, June 28, 2008

Love Poems a429-a431

. Saturday, June 28, 2008 .

a429: Love might be impossible to find
but once you find it, it'll always be on your mind.
- Fabiola Marquez.

a430: Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart.
- Robert Sexton.

a431: Always shattered, never open, nothing matters when your broken, that was me whenever i was with you.
Always ending, always over, back and forth, up and down like a roller coaster, i am breaking that habit, today.
- Its a crazy life but i'm alright.

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Love Poems a426-a428

. Thursday, June 26, 2008 .

a426: And when I wake,
I'm right here by your side,
To feel your heart beat in and out of time
- La La xx Bethh.

a427: When i see you smiling just because he is smiling, it erupts a storm in my heart;
i am shattered every time i see you holding his hands, but it is all that i could do to prove... that I LOVE YOU.
- bryan.

a428: Do you feel like you've lost everything you can lose?
This is it, can you hear me?
When you cry do your tears ever choke the room?
Calling out every moment of need.
- Angels & Airwaves.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Joke Of The Day 06/25/08

. Wednesday, June 25, 2008 .

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror;

Woman: "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
Husband: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".

He never heard the shot.

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Sexy Text Messages a426-a428

. Tuesday, June 24, 2008 .

a426: A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?"

"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."

"Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too."

"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly.

"Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"
- Rabiul.

a427: Just after World War 2, a reporter was interviewing the head nun of a monastery in Italy regarding her experiences during the war.

"Oh it was terrible, terrible." She cried, "First the Italians raped us all except sister Matilda. Then the Germans raped us all except sister Matilda and then the Americans raped us all except sister Matilda."

"Oh I’m so sorry, it must be very difficult for you." replied the reporter, "But I’m curious, you said they all raped you except sister Matilda. Why didn’t anyone rape sister Matilda?"

"Oh sister Matilda," said the nun, wiping her eye, "She’s not interested in that sort of thing."
- Rabiul.

a428: Two guys John and Eddie were fishing by the banks of a lake. John was catching fish after fish but Eddie was not even getting a nibble.

Finally exasperated, Eddie asked John, "Hey, how come you’re getting so many fish and I’m not getting anything? What am I doing wrong?"

"What are you using for bait?" Asked John.

"Just regular bait, worms." Replied Eddie.

"Man, fish don’t eat worms these days." said John, "You gotta use the right kind of bait to catch fish now a days."

"What are they eating then?" asked Eddie curiously.

"Pussy man, pure pussy meat." said John with a grin.

"Pussy meat? Where’d you get it from?"

"Well, I know a guy who works in the morgue and whenever they get a dead body of a girl, he collects the pussy and sells it to me as fish bait." Explained John, "And man it works like magic. Fish can’t seem to get enough of it."

"Hmm..." said Eddie with a frown, "But I notice you keep sniffing the bait before you put it on the hook. Do you really have to smell the pussy?"

"" replied John with a grin, "The guy from the morgue, he’s a real crook. Every now and then he tries to slip in an asshole."
- Rabiul.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

Love Poems a423-a425

. Monday, June 23, 2008 .

a423: If I were peanut butter you would be jelly;
If I were a rose you would be the pettles;
If I were the fat kid you would be the food;
If I were Piglet you would be pooh;
but most of all If I were me I would love you;
because you are you.
- sabrina.

a424: I know I should be happy, because he loves me too.
But what kills me is the fact he said we cannot be together because of the distance.
- Adriana.

a425: I can wish for the Sun, Moon, and the Stars; All I can see heavenly. But above all them I will only wish for you and for me that is Heaven!
- LoveNLife.

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Sunday, June 22, 2008

Famous Quotes a420-a422

. Sunday, June 22, 2008 .

a420: My indignation, like th' imprisoned fire,
Pent in the troubled breast of glowing Etna,
Burnt deep and silent.
- Thomson.

a421: If anger is not restrained, it is frequently more hurtful to us, than the injury that provokes it.
- Seneco.

a422: O that my tongue were in the thunder's mouth!
Then with a passion would I shake the world.
- Shakespeare.

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Friday, June 20, 2008

Joke Of The Day 06/20/08

. Friday, June 20, 2008 .

Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

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Thursday, June 19, 2008

Love Poems a417-a419

. Thursday, June 19, 2008 .

a417: Guys only want one thing, to get in your bed;
Girls only want one thing, to get in your heart.
- Lemon Square Bear23.

a418: We were given two legs to walk
two hands to hold
two ears to listen
two eyes to see
but only one heart
because the other one was given
to someone else
for you to find.
- Refuse to give up.

a419: A drop in the ocean
A change in the weather.
I was praying that you and me might end up together, but its like wishing for rain as i stand in the desert.
- mszbeautifulx3.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Sexy Text Messages a414-a416

. Wednesday, June 18, 2008 .

a414: We have had some fun times together. Remember when we were drivin and i stuck my ass out of the window and you stuck your head out and people thought we were twins?
- louise.

a415: You are in a car at a constant speed. on your left is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you while in front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it and behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also doing the same speed as you. How do you get out of this dangerous situation?
ANSWER: Get off the kids merry go round you piss-head.
- louise.

a416: If you helped Jack on the horse, would you help Jack off the horse?

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Monday, June 16, 2008

Love Poems a411-a413

. Monday, June 16, 2008 .

a411: Living without you was not a choice, as you didn't let me choose ,but you did.
- Goth marionette.

a412: You can never find the right person
if you don't let go of the wrong
but at the same time
the moment you feel like letting you
you remember why you held on for so long.
- Ariana.

a413: It is hard to pretend to love a person when you do not;
but,it is even harder to pretend not to love a person when you really do.
- Refuse2Giveup.

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Saturday, June 14, 2008

Fathers Day Text Messages a408-a410

. Saturday, June 14, 2008 .

a408: To My Father

It matters not that Time has shed
His thaw less snow upon your head,
For he maintains, with wondrous art,
Perpetual summer in your heart.
- William Hamilton Hayne

a409: None of you can ever be proud enough of being the child of such a Father who has not his equal in this world - so great, so good, so faultless. Try, all of you, to follow in his footsteps and don't be discouraged, for to be really in everything like him none of you, I am sure, will ever be. Try, therefore, to be like him in some points, and you will have acquired a great deal.
- Queen Victoria of England.

a410: Dad, you're someone to look up to no matter how tall I've grown.
- Unknown.

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Fathers Day Text Messages a405-a407

a405: A little girl needs Daddy
For many, many things:
Like holding her high off the ground
Where the sunlight sings!
Like being the deep music
That tells her all is right
When she awakens frantic with
The terrors of the night.

Like being the great mountain
That rises in her heart
And shows her how she might get home
When all else falls apart.

Like giving her the love
That is her sea and air,
So diving deep or soaring high
She will always find him there.

a406: Our fathers toil with hands and heart
To make our lives complete.
They quietly brave the winter cold,
Endure the summer heat.

Our fathers' lives are busy, but
There's always time for us.
They boldly face the ups and downs
And seldom ever fuss.

Our fathers are the greatest dads.
We know you know this, too.
But thank you for the chance to share
Our love for them with you.

a407: A Father means so many things...
A understanding heart,
A source of strength and of support
Right from the very start.
A constant readiness to help
In a kind and thoughtful way.
With encouragement and forgiveness
No matter what comes your way.
A special generosity and always affection, too
A Father means so many things
When he's a man like you.

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Fathers Day Text Messages a402-a404

. Thursday, June 12, 2008 .

a402: You mean so much to me i can not even explain, but the only thing i know i could tell you is that " I Love you Daddy"

a403: God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,
The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,
The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,
Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so, He called it ... Dad.

a404: If all these Kisses are not enough,
There is two hands to help with garden stuff.
If all these hugs don't work their charm,
There is two arms to help keep you warm.
If this gift does not show how much we care,
We have REAL hugs and kisses to share!

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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Famous Quotes a399-a401

. Wednesday, June 11, 2008 .

a399: To be angry, is to revenge the fault of others upon ourselves.
- Pope.

a400: The intoxication of anger, like that of the grape, shows us to others, but hides us from ourselves and we injure our own cause, in the opinion of the world, when we too passionately and eagerly defend it.
- Colton.

a401: When a man is wrong and won't admit it, he always gets angry.
- Haliburton.

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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Love Poems a396-a398

. Tuesday, June 10, 2008 .

a396: I will put the earphones on my ears and turn the volume down. I will pretend that I do not hear you as you finally say what you really think of me.
- Belle.

a397: Love is when u cannot pay attention in class because u are too busy writing your first name with his last.
- Inlove.

a398: Some hearts are broken and mended, others are shattered or torn, although it was never intended. For love is eternally sworn.
I have cried and prayed and pleaded for that love to hold its ground hope was all I needed and pain was all I found.
- Inlove.

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Sunday, June 8, 2008

Sexy Text Messages a393-a395

. Sunday, June 8, 2008 .

a393: A Lebanese guy named Elias walks into a pharmacy and asks for a box of tissue papers. The pharmacist comes out and gives him a huge box of tissue papers. Elias says I do not want this huge box I only want a small one. The pharmacist says that is all right it is for the same price take it as it is subsidized by Hariri, a former Lebanese prime minister assassinated in 2005. So Elias takes it and walks away. The second day Elias returns to the pharmacy and asks for a tube of tooth paste. The pharmacist comes out and gives him an enormous tube of tooth paste. Elias says I do not want this enormous tube I only want a small one. The pharmacist says that is alright it is for the same price take it as it is subsidized by Hariri. So Elias takes it and walks away. The third day Elias returns to the pharmacy and stands outside, the pharmacist notices him, he comes out and says why don’t you come in, Elias says I am afraid, the pharmacist says, come in, there is no problem, how can I help you. Elias says I am afraid and ashamed today I need a condom.
- Gino.

a394: Jimmy goes to see his computer genius friend Charlie, in his office. The first thing he notices is a really sexy looking secretary who leads him into Charlie’s room. Charlie is busy working on his computer.

"Hey Charlie, how ya doing my man?" He says, "When did you hire your new secretary? She is hot."

"Oh I did not hire her, I actually developed her." replies Charlie, still working on his computer, "She is a robot."

"Are you serious?" says Jimmy with a whistle, "She moves and talks just like a real girl."

"Yeah, and that is not all. She makes coffee, does my filing and I can fuck her all I want." replies Charlie with a smile, "In fact, you can take her to the next room and give her a fuck yourself. She is really good."

"Yowza!" Laughs Jimmy and taking the secretary hand, he drags her into the next room, intent on fucking the daylights out of her. Soon afterwards, there is a loud scream from Jimmy.

"Oh Hell," Says Charlie, "I forgot to tell him her asshole is a pencil sharpener."
- Rabiul.

a395: Two doctors meet at a bar during a major medical conference, one male and one female. They both talk and one thing leads to another and both doctors were in a hotel room. Before undressing the female doctor washed her hands, after sex with the male doctor she washed her hands again. The Male doctor says "Let me guess, you are a surgeon." The female doctors asks "How would you know?" The guy goes "You keep washing your hands." The female doctor replies, "You must be an anesthesiologist." The guy doc asks "How would you know?" The lady replies, "Because I did not feel a thing."
- Ann.

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Friday, June 6, 2008

Love Poems a390-a392

. Friday, June 6, 2008 .

a390: Never hesitate on an opportune moment because you may never get another one like it or somebody else may just bloody take it!
- Ahmed Ali.

a391: I'm Finally Ready To Give Everything To You
And Now You're Putting Up A Fight.
- Unknown.

a392: Never make a man a priorty when he only makes you an option; fall in love with somneone who deserves your love.
- shannel.

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Thursday, June 5, 2008

Sexy Text Messages a387-a389

. Thursday, June 5, 2008 .

a387: A guy gets onto an elevator and begins to ride down to the lobby of his building. Half way down the elevator stops and a beautiful woman gets on. After a few seconds the man leans over and asks the lady, "Excuse me, but can I smell your pussy?" "No!", rages the woman. "Oh" replies the man, "It must be your feet."
- kirk.

a388: Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell’s gate, he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be given the choice of who he will REPLACE forever in Hell.

Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind the door is Jeffrey Dahmer. He’s being worked over with a blow torch. Upon seeing Jeff in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says "That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me."

The second door opens. Behind door #2 is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton again says "I don’t think this is for me."

The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."
- Darxtar.

a389: A couple was having money problems... they were sitting down at the table eating supper, when the wife said... "I know... you could stop buying 3 24’s of beer every week"... the husband says... "no no I can’t do that, but what about you.... you spend like one hundred dollars on makeup a month you could give that up".... she says, "but dear... that’s to make me look pretty". The husband looks at her and says, "what the fuck do you think the beer is for".
- chikie.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Love Poems a384-a386

. Tuesday, June 3, 2008 .

a384: I want to keep three things:

the SUN
the MOON
and YOU

the SUN for daytime
the MOON for night time
and YOU for a lifetime.
- bLoOdydEsIRe.

a385: Do i stay because I love you or do I stay because I'm afraid to leave?
Do I stay because you say you love me or because I chose believe?
Do we last because we're good together or because we're both scared there's nothing better?
- ShOwMeYoUmEaNiT.

a386: Love is not happiness it's earth,
love is not what I want it's what i'm worth.
- stupid girl.

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Monday, June 2, 2008

Famous Quotes a381-a383

. Monday, June 2, 2008 .

a381: Anger is blood, pour'd and perplexed into a froth.
- Davenant.

a382: My rage is not malicious; like a spark
Of fire by steel inforced out of a flint
It is no sooner kindled, but extinct.
- Goffe.

a383: There is no nature
A thing that makes a man so deform'd, so beastly,
As doth intemperate anger.
- Webster's Duchess of Malp.

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Sunday, June 1, 2008

Sexy Text Messages a378-a380

. Sunday, June 1, 2008 .

a378: You know those types of girls that are ugly-gnarly but the only thing that they have going for them are a set of huge bosom? There it is.

God was feeling a bit worn out, after all creating the entire universe and earth is a big task so he decided he would turn over the task of creating a new batch of humans to an apprentice. The apprentice was not that bright so God left simple instructions, just make them look like Adam and Eve. So the apprentice went off to work and started creating sculptures to be made real. God came back later and got ticked. What the deuce is this?! I told you to make humans! these are hairer than that monkey you made for me last week! the only thing he’s good for is a loofah! Okay, this is the last time I’m fixing your mistakes! And with that, God zapped the sculpture, causing 2 large mountains to protrude from the chest. And God then said, ’Good, let there be titties.’
- The Rock.

a379: What’s the definition of agony?

Sliding down a 20 foot razor blade, using your balls as brakes.
- Eml.

a380: Donald Duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms.

"Certainly, sir," said the lady behind the counter. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"No way!" replied Donald Duck. "What do you think I am, a d*ckhead?"
- misskim.

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